Sweetheart....but my heart?

He took me to the movies. Introduced me to his friends and we all went out to eat. 1st date mad fun. We saw Beuwolf in 3d and it was sexy. I like that movie. Hes sweet and and a$shole which makes him well balanced. Great person all in all and yet I cant seem to cave in. Its that wall again... which is great but a lil dangerous because Im really not trying to let him in. Question is am I protecting my heart or am I stallin? Dang this is crazy almost like a dream I mean I always said Cream but never in a million years did I think Id be stirring my coffee. But Im just chilling right now.

Cream Wit My Coffee

hahahahhaa so last night i played some hard body truth or dare. mad freaks at AUC lol but i aint surprised. But n e ways theres this sexy italiano that i got well aquainted with lmao!!! no sex you sickoz!!! but man o man i had mad fun......Truth or Dare Ensa? "DARE" "DARE" the whole freakin night. i waznt punkin out lol and boy am i glad i didnt lmao. But anyways im done with skoo and i am ready to have the xmas break of a lifetime.....cream with my coffee.....hahaha how do i come up with these things?

IM HAPPY I PROMISE!!!!

So lately ive been getting in trouble because my blogs are too sad. So happier vibes. Skoo is over!!!! I love my best friends Jennifer Sara and Vladi. I love my closest friends Malorie, Kate. I love my booboo and the love of my life Gretchen. I love being a part of such a great movement, Trey Deuce. Life is going well and i cant wait till everyone comes back so i can laugh as much as i used to so i can chill with yall until yall cant stand to look at me. I love the fact that i have friends who care for me to the point they cuss me out to get happy. I am happy and i am grateful. I love life. And i love you!!!! MWA MWA MWA MWA MWA!!! Your probably like wow shes whiling but your smiling. So keep smiling and pass it on its contagious!!!

Dreaming Wit A Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart. The waking up is the hardest part, You roll out of bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was he really here Is he standing in my room? No, he's not cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. When you're dreaming with a broken heart The giving up is the hardest part he takes you in with his crying eyes then all at once you have to say goodbye wondering could you stay my love will you wake up by my side? No, he can't cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Would you get them if I did? No, you won't Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. When you're dreaming with a broken heart the waking up is the hardest part. (John Mayer Edited Version)

Whats The Point

whats the point of building the walls around my heart if hes just gonna come right back and break them down? who does he think he is, being in my life and causing me to feel comfort? why does he do this to me, break down something i work so hard building? I love you....so loosely thrown around. Words or Feelings? Cant really tell. Yo i peeped something the other night....they dont compare.....well certain aspects.....someone helped me realize he didnt compare to him. Wow!!! but he aint the ONE....but what if he is i mean i aint letting him go but then what if im not letting go. but what if im suppose to be holding on? but he was suppose to be takin away from me hes here still. Thank God but imma let it ride....

Give A Little Bit

So many things I want to tell you but not enough words can decipher the feelings. I can’t seem to tell you all the things I need to tell you. When I’m near you nothing seems to be wrong. I can’t understand how everyday I’m deeply infatuated with everything you have to offer. And ever more infatuated with that one thing you just won’t seem to let me have, your heart. I know you have one and I know its there but just like a million dollars I have yet to see it. I mean do you think you will get hurt if you do?

Maybe Im Just Not Gettin It Right!!!

He Said: I love you
I Said: No you dont
He Said: Yes I do
I Said: Nooooo you dont!!!
He Said: How do you figure? You dont know that
I Said:Yes I do
He Said: How?
I Said: Im likable so you like me.
He Said: So I dont love you?
I Said: No you just like me.
He Said: But I love you Ensa, you cant tell me I dont.
I Said: But I can and I did.
He Said: Well I love you Ensa. Wether you believe it or not!
I Said: Hmmm......


Really?!! like mess with my head? because its definitely no longer my heart. My heart is blocked off. More logic now. So what do i think about this right now? I dont know. Maybe i just aint getting it right. the words are sweet melodies to my ears and i get lost in this river were we flow on the same wave but the river reaches this crazy gigantic water fall where we are seperated by the power of the water then the rocks at the bottom continuously bruise me up as they hit my body all over and you somehow just get hurt in the arm and i watch as the river continues ahead but im still stuck at the bottom of the waterfall im trying to swim but my leg is stuck under a rock im struggling and its loosening up i see the river ahead and im getting there little by little lets just see how long i could sustain the pressure of the water. Maybe you'll come back for me or maybe you have another boat waiting for me when i am released from this rock. But then i start thinking do i want you to save me?

So You Say

You say you'll ride for me until its time to ride.

You say you'll die for me until its time to die.

Words written in sand never in stone

Thought you'd be beside me, yet I stand alone.

Why make the promise, if dont intend to keep?

Causing my heart to panic and weep?

So you say forever, but what does that really mean?

I thought is was from now until and everything in between.

You tell me that you love me but that can only go so far

Since I never get to feel it being that you keep in a jar.

You said you would be there till the very end.

But it's only halftime and I'm already missing a friend.

Funny Ain't It?

there is my uncle who is denying my grandfather as his father and his siblings and I feel my grandfathers pain because he’s the sweetest of sweet then we have the fact that when I need someone to run to I cant find open arms unless its my best friend Jennifer but there is just so much she can handle....then I realized I don’t have the feeling of being needed like that sense of I could tell my problems to someone but its until u tell that certain individual that you feel that problem isn’t as big anymore or you know how to handle it I feel like I'm wanted in the lives of many but needed is questionable to some I feel like my brain is in a constant battle with my heart and my heart is reigning champ. Then you have those times things need to be said but you dont say it in the respect of feelings. but sometimes it could affect the relationship all together. it kills me the lengths people go due to the fact they run off emotion and not logic. how things are misconstrued because of lack of communication and sometimes too much commnunication. it all goes back to that one word...COMMUNICATION!!! Where do i go from here. I mean he cares about me but i cant feel it. thats the worst of all. to not feel the words spoken. damn! im just gonna SCREAM! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh
i dont know i dont know. Ha all you really can do is laugh cause the situation will kill you if you dont. its serious and laughing jus keeps me sane. funny aint it?

Brain's All Messed Up

You ever stop and think? Just make everything around you is still because your losing control of your own brain. Things just seem to be getting to hectic. But you just take that one deep breath and you gain your composure. Sometimes when the world is still i find myself screaming at the top of my lung letting all the stress and the weight of the world, im just letting it all out and i tell you it feels good. Thats when i let the earth continue to spin and everything is the same except im feeling a whole lot better with a more sincere smile on my face. Life is great jus gotta know how to handle the bytch. lmfao yea lifes a bytch but im in love with it.

Genesis

Why the title Genesis? Because its the beginning. I always blog but on facebook and myspace. Why not blog on a site made for blogging. Took me a while but its whatever. My best friend Jen inspired me to create one. I read through her life and although I know alot about her there seems to always be room to know more about her. Not that she does this purposely but blogging is str8 from the heart and its easier pouring it out. Any who whats going on in my life...well man i wish i could tell you life is good but life right now is sooooooo confusing. The things going on, the people I'm meeting the friends the foes the family all just a huge ball of confusion. I don't even where to begin attacking the situations at hand. I am thankful though for all this because it will make me stronger in the long run and even though life will always be hard it will never be as hard. Situations will always arise I just need to prepare myself in order to get cleared and out of my conscience. So this is all for now...I'm praying and i feel they are being answered in His time which is perfect even if i wanted it earlier in my life God knows what He wants and what i need. Tune in next time.....signing out, ~Ensa~